2:45 PM – I am going to carry out on an adventure to my dear friend Pete’s house. As I was born in England, I’ve known Pete since we were youngins. We would run around naked with underwear on our heads so I think he’ll be cool if I show up covered in mud and with twigs in my hair. My reward is to sit down and play a calming board game with him. I think it's a fairly long walk and I don’t really know the area too well, but my brother, affectionately called “Bobo”, helped me to find a footpath on a map that I will bring with me. Hopefully I will make it.
4:20 PM - I’m at Pete’s house and we’re about to play video games. Psh, board games… this is a teenage boy, dummy!
Later - Aaaand, the adventurer returns! WHAT a trip that was. I did my best not to appear to my town as the weird American that I am. I only walked up and down the road about eleven times before I found the public foot path. I was just starting to feel a sense of relief about my journey. I do this thing when I’m bored and need to pee; I hold it in for as long as possible and then let it all out. Pretty sure that’s what Jesus did to me because the next thing I know, it’s raining like crazy. What happens next is I climb over a stile – if you don’t have a clue as to what that is, here you are:
Stone
Wooden
You use these instead of trying to catapult your body over the stone walls or through the barb-wire fences they have to separate each field.
Once over, I find myself in very close proximity to a herd of cows. The next stile is directly through this herd. Being the bold and fairly crazy person I am, I plodded right for them. Now cows are generally not man-eating creatures, but sometimes they like to appear as if they are.. just for kicks. I soon found myself surrounded by a bunch of smelly cows staring very intently at me. The worst part was that they weren’t even saying anything – going around mooing like normal cows do. The sadness of the situation dawned on me quite quickly: I was trapped in an awkward cow circle. And Jesus was peeing on me. Lovely.
People often complain about crap boyfriends or a ridiculous boss and often wish they had more guidance in life. Well how about a solution to being trapped in a CIRCLE OF COWS THAT’S FRIGGIN AWKWARD? I bent down to get a hand full of grass and offered it to their leader. I don’t think cows actually have leaders, but this one looked like it was. It chose to smell my bracelets instead and then went back to staring at me. Eventually one cow got bored and left which seemed to trigger a lot of other cow boredom so they all slowly departed. It was kind of miracle-like because right at that moment the sun broke through and the rain ceased to pour. Suddenly I felt the theme song from Chariots of Fire rising within me.
I tried to run the rest of the way, but, well, didn’t happen. I did however, make it to Pete’s. We played Fifa football and I won every game by twenty, only not really because I’ve never used a PS3 in my life and did terribly. It was still fun to shout vulgarities though.
I had the Dadinator pick me up for dinner, because I didn’t trust Pete’s cooking skills in his tired state. (He was in a tired state.)
I don’t want to write anymore because a friend of mine who I was online chatting with reminded me that I no longer have access to the best burritos in the world which my hometown had offered. I’m going to glower at everyone for the rest of the night. TTFN xxx
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