Sunday 18 March 2012

The 8 Teachers Challenge

Here in England I have a peculiar bunch of teachers. My American chummies are always asking me what the English school system and classes are like, so I thought I would use the intriguing personalities of my 8 teachers as a basis for making a boring subject such as school (ohgosh somebody get me chocolate NOW), a little less soul deteriorating.
So here we go folks!
For starters, you gotta know that in England, all the ordinary kids take what are called A Levels. When you are not ordinary, you go to a special school called Hogwarts which offers students an alternative form of schooling.

Unfortunately, I am here to tell you about A Levels, being the humdrum child that I am. They are a two year course, the first being what is called your AS year. (If you are at all interested, this stands for 'Advanced Subsidiary', if not, continue reading as if this sentence never existed!)
During your AS year, you study 4 subjects. For each subject, you have two separate classes with different teachers. This is where the teacher challenge comes in!!


Subject 1: Art. According to Roald Dahl my first art teacher is a witch that probably never made it to Hogwarts for reasons not otherwise specified. *Cough* She's mental! *Cough* The second takes on two personalities, the first of which is something similar to a manic ogre who has had it's earwax stew and onion harvest stolen - the source of it's ill-tempered confusion. The second is a spaced-out hippy who I think is kind, but one doesn't usually see that side so often, so it's not to be confirmed.
+   =   my teacher.

Subject 2: English. Teacher 1 is a sex fanatic if not an addict. I can't remember one class that didn't have "carnal embrace" embedded in it. Teacher 2 is a wise and cynical tortoise, trapped inside an aging man. I imagine that he takes his breaks to go puff on his pipe whilst grumbling to himself about how even some his A Level students are incapable of differentiating "you're" and "your".

Subject 3: Biology. One teacher is mostly identified by the student body as "Fish lips", one mention of anything about fish and he is off his tits about it.













My other Bio teacher knows the answer to EVERYTHING. Which I am very appreciative of. He says the answer to life is 42. Glad I got that sorted with early.

Subject 4: French. Here, my teachers are relatively normal. Unfortunately, they enjoy critising more than teaching sometimes... maybe you can sympathise?

Thursday 8 March 2012

Think your UK slang is up to par?

Take the quiz!

How hipster is your English tongue?

Buenos dias mi americanos. Think you know the most to-date colloquialisms of the english culture? Test your knowledge now! You're looking for the most english piece of slang offered, not ordinary speak.It's all on the internet for the post-facepalms, but just in case you're one of those people who needs reminding... cheating is for CHUMPS! Ready for this? GOGOGO!

  1. When you see a piece of human eye-candy, you are most likely to label them as ______.

  2. a dime and a half
    bangable
    a fitty
    your one and only pimp-meister
    the mac daddy

  3. When approaching a friend or speaking to someone in passing you would commonly say...

  4. All right?
    Sup dude
    Okay, bro/love?
    Yeee buddy!
    nothing, a lil' bum spank does the job

  5. Someone or something has you reeeally annoyed you today. In expression, this is described as...

  6. Feeling frustrated with 'a burning passion'
    Making you incredibly aggro
    Pissing off your pigs
    A bit pants
    Getting on your tits

  7. You have got A LOT of mates. When bragging you might say you've got _____ mates!

  8. BAZILLIONS
    A TON
    HEAPS
    BARE
    WADS OF

  9. Been a real lucky day! You're feeling mighty _____ :D

  10. chuffed!
    chipper!
    jolly!
    gay!
    tickled!

  11. You're at a party, and admit it, you've drank faaar past your limit. What do you call yourself?

  12. Razorbladed
    Accidental
    Paraletic
    Ghostfacewasted
    Pregnant

  13. Spent last night finishing work up into the wee hours. This morning you are bloody _____.

  14. droopy
    tired
    pooped out
    weary
    knackered

  15. Going pub crawling with other possible interests regarding the opposite sex. You call this?

  16. checking out the senior centre
    tracking down some booty
    out and about, give a kick and a shout
    being on the lash/on the piss
    getting smashed/hammered

  17. :O Someone who goes around thinking he's cool by insulting people. "What a ____!"

  18. jerk
    twat
    meanie
    bumsteer
    crummy person

  19. Yep. Not surprised. You've skipped class again.. Tisk tisk!

  20. You skipped
    You avoided
    You lashed about
    You scooted home
    You skived

Well that's that! You've worked hard. Might want to wipe that sweat of the key board.

Wednesday 15 February 2012

Gallantly Assassinating Snowmen

Fact 1: NorCal, short for Northern California, is a place where the average teenager can't go a day without saying "hella".
Fact 2: Arcata is a town in Norcal that has only experienced snowfall an average of.... something you can count on your fingers.. in the last 10 years.

Having lived in this location for the majority of my life, I have the green light to say that last weekend was HELLA COLD. And you know what? I experienced a proper amount of snow for the first time in my entire life! Just like the chips/fries underneath the salt-enthusiast's dumping, our little Uleytown was absolutely smothered.
If you know me personally, you will often find me to be easily amused or very excitable. This also goes for my younger brother whom I blogishly address to my readers as "Bo". The only difference between Bo and I in these circumstances is that he is a few years younger, automatically granting his bouts of entertainment to occur more frequently and with much more endurance.
When it came time for the sprinkling to commence, I received a loud and crazed rapping on my bedroom door from Bo.
      "Let's go make a Snowman!!!"
As usual I did not respond as that is the customary older sibling's duty. I heard a fair bit of frantic panting as that is what he does before giving up. Then he thumped madly downstairs.

-You may now picture me comically shrugging before continuing with my whatever I was doing.

Hours later, I make out the sound of an ebullient "hiyah!" and "schwang!" coming from the front yard. Now this was something I was going to have to investigate.

Little did I know that by simply stepping outside I was about to brave a two-in-one deal with death.
Immediately I was stunned by the sheer icy cold that I almost dropped dead right there. Second to that, an actual sword was swung inches from my face.
It turned out that my brother was at war with his own snowman who he had positioned on the bench beside our house.
The only explanation in this situation would be that my brother must have built what he considered to be a snowy master piece in the shape of a man...

...and after finishing, he must have gone out feeling triumphant about his work. This would justify the sword, as males like to carry dangerous entities around to increase the sensation of true manliness. Another common attribute of the male kind is forgetfulness, and so his creation must have vanished completely from his mind. He would have returned to what he must have considered then to be a pretentious, threatening monster after his family.

 He probably thought it was his fate to destroy this apparent trespasser because he had happened to bring the sword out that day. And so the snowman thrashing ensued.

This is the only real understanding I can come to.
   

Friday 13 January 2012

Morocco

According to my journal, there are several terms that correspond with the Moroccan experience.
- Smelling piss
- Seeing cats
- Seeing a lot of skanky looking cats
- A camel head dinner
- Old women missing eyes

Morocco is a place you need to spend 10 days in. This is because 5 out of the 10 days you will be toilet painting. Once you've got that sorted and out of the way, Morocco is pure amazement.
Conditionally, the people are so kind in giving you private tours of their tanneries and endless carpet selections. I say conditionally because if you don't buy their 15,000 dirham carpet, all of a sudden you find yourself rushing to find the exit as booming french foulness is shouted after you.
The Moroccan tanneries are considered one of their greatest attractions. For those of you that don't know what the hell a tannery is, well, here is an image and a definition for you my dears:

Image:

Definition:  A facility where the tanning process is applied to hides to produce leather.

I don't know if you want to know but I'm going to tell you anyway that to make the hides nice and supple a pungent mixture of pigeon poop, acids, and cow urine is used. Not to mention that the mixture is stirred by the bare legs and feet of local men. The hides are most usually used to make slippers, bags, and coats, but the excess strands are used to make bracelets. It was one of these urine/poop-processed bracelets that I gave to my boyfriend as a romantic gesture.

Here are some images from Moroccoland:






There you have it, folks! :)




Been a long time, been a long long time


How are my non-existent followers ey?!

I dunno if I deserve any followers though, I haven't posted in.... 5 months! However, I have had my odd achievement here and there. For instance, I've become a full-fledged Englerican (I just invented this terminology on the spot and am adding it to my computer's dictionary). That's not to say that there are many of us Englericans out there, but I'm sure that of the few of them, I must be in the upper percentile. Let me justify the hamming up of myself: how many people take on two lives at once?
Umm, well I've just googled it and apparently it takes about a week for the Blood and Tissue Center of central Texas to enter donation points. So that answers that for you.
What I'm trying to say is that leaving a home, friends, and educational system to experience something completely new in all these areas is as difficult as nailing jelly to a tree. < If you're worried, that is an idiom, but I have intentions to try this... I just think I've got things down now because I've come across a peace of mind having to do with my dual nationality.
Yeah okay, dude, I hear you. I'll hush about myself and get on with something that's actually interesting in a separate post. Like Morocco!!